Here's the story of a lovely lady, who believed that she could send her youngest off to the mall with her friend S and her debit card and they would have a lovely time, see a movie, get some popcorn, a soda, maybe buy a pair of earrings from Claires, wander around, maybe even buy a book, books are always acceptable purchases (unless of course they are The 100 Most Famous Serial Killers in which case the lovely lady squeals and demands that the book be kept outside, bad juju) and all would be well with the world.
The lovely lady enjoys making her children happy and so far they have taken her debit card and been very responsible. She had no fears, no reasons to doubt that trend would continue.
Hours later, lovely lady's youngest returns from the mall: Following conversation:
Lovely Lady: Did you have a good time sweetheart?
Lovely Lady's youngest: Yes, we did. We saw a movie, had something to eat and wandered around. I even found a gift for my oldest sister.
Lovely Lady: Oh my, you are such a sweet child buying a gift for your sister, (even if it was lovely lady's money, it's the thought that counts and it was only 5 dollars). We'll send it to her right away. (That would be a bald face lie since lovely lady has postaphobia but it doesn't stop her from assuring her family that things will get mailed). Did you find anything for yourself?
Lovely Lady's youngest..., hesitates: Well, yes, I did, most beloved mother. And you will love it.
Lovely Lady: I will (hand to breast). But you know, it's only important that you like it. (This is lovely lady's attempt to install confidence in her offspring). Oh please, let me see your perfect purchase.
NOW, lovely lady's youngest starts to launch into a defensive stance, explaining why the purchase was so incredibly sweet and how she couldn't pass it up and that I (oh did I mention I was lovely lady?) would just love it. She couldn't wait until she showed it to lovely lady. She's always wanted one, always, forever and ever, since she was in the womb, that's how long. And she reminds lovely lady how important these particular items are to her. She does after all own more than one. This goes on for five minutes longer with lovely lady's youngest never stopping to breath.
Lovely Lady is now suspicious. She didn't, after all, fall off the turnip truck yesterday. Good God, she didn't even fall off the turnip truck 20 years ago.
Lovely Lady, a hint of tension now flowing through her words: Why don't you show me what you bought..., sweetheart (if you are a mother you know that sweetheart can be said several ways depending on inflection. In this instance, sweetheart is laced with "I think I'm going to scream and then have to kill you, just warning youngest, most darling daughter."
Youngest, most adored daughter, slowly draws from her behind her a Fossil bag. Since lovely lady doesn't and has never shopped at Fossil, the implication of this purchase doesn't bring about the undoubtedly expected heart attack. What does Lovely lady know about Fossil? Nothing, absolutely nothing.
Youngest, most adored daughter, pulls a wallet out of the Fossil bag and hands it to the lovely lady: See, beloved mother, how beautiful it looks and feels. It will hold all of my cards (of which I have none but that's not important) and all my money and special little items I need to keep hold of.
Lovely Lady: Special items.... hmmm..., would that be Broadway tickets? Notes for the President? I'm just a little confused here. But, sweetheart, it is very lovely.
Here Lovely Lady sees a suspicious look cross her youngest, most adored daughters face. She's quick that way.
Lovely Lady: May I ask what you spent for it, darling, adorable child?
Youngest, beloved child: Well...,
and so begins the guessing game because youngest, most adored daughter has NO intention of blurting it out and thereby being the cause of the demise of her beloved mother.
Lovely Lady: $15? no? $25? noo? $35? No? Would it be under $50, oh most not so beloved younger daughter? NO?
After several enjoyable moments playing the guessing game, It turns out the beautiful, fully leather, soft WALLET was $65.00.
WHAT THE FUCK? Lovely Lady's bouffant hair is falling around her head. She has grasped her pearl necklace as if she was being choked and snapped it in half (no pearls did not going falling around her feet. It's a real pearl necklace. Lovely Lady doesn't wear fake pearls. To be honest, Lovely Lady doesn't wear jewelry although she owns enough thanks to deceased mothers and mother-in-laws, that now takes up needed space in her closet.)
Lovely Lady will stop here because the following conversation was not pretty and because Lovely Lady's head spun around a couple of times spewing green vomit.
Lovely Lady doesn't own a purse worth that much money, let alone a wallet. The money youngest adored daughter used to buy said wallet was Lovely Lady's. Lovely Lady doesn't even own a blouse that would cost that much. Lovely Lady freaks if she has to spend over $30 on a tote bag. The only thing she has bought that cost that much money is her shoes and she has a fused ankle and a two bad knees so the good shoes are imperative. She does own 600 count sheets but then she's 361 days from 50 and she deserves them.
Youngest, not so adored daughter's only excuse was that the people were very nice to her in the store, very nice, let me repeat her words: They were so nice to me, oh beautiful mother.
Of course they were, idiot child. They could spot a sucker when they saw one. Youngest daughter probably would of bought a purse, but her friend S dragged her out of there before more damage could be done, mumbling, "You just spent all your money on a wallet, on a wallet!"
No sweet S, she spent my money on a wallet.
Don't ever get a credit card, oh, beautiful, foolish, innocent youngest daughter. You're a sucker and there are store clerks with blood dripping off their fangs just waiting for you to walk by their entrance. And for God's sake, don't make eye contact and no you may not take my debit card ever again.
Have you ever heard anything more stupid? I bought their $1000 anything because they were so nice to me.