A couple simple pieces of advice for my daughters. Not that they listen to me in any way, shape or form. But one must never give up the good fight. One day they will thank me albeit, most likely, grudgingly. I, on the other hand, will be laughing my ass off.
I live for that day.
My heart continues to beat for that day.
I take my medication like a good patient just so that I can be alive for that day.
What is justice and happiness if not hearing your own children tell you, "You were right."?
Bonnie and Emma:
***There will be much more to come.***
1. Please, by all that is holy, place the toilet paper roll on the holder so the paper comes up and over, NOT down and under.
a. Nobody wants to search for the toilet paper end at 3am with no lights and an extreme urgency to pee.
b. Nobody wants to use just "one square". One square is like using a washcloth to dry off after your shower..., and you've washed your hair. When you put the toilet paper roll on the holder paper rolling down, you risk pulling on it and snapping off one square. If you don't believe me, I'll sit down and divide the toilet paper by hand, into squares, and then when you have to go to the bathroom, I'll give you one square. You tell me later if that works for you.
c. It just feels nice to know that when you stumble into the bathroom, or run into the bathroom or even stroll into the bathroom (strolling will cease to exist once you've given birth to your first child - even sneezing will send you running) you will find the toilet paper without hitting the roll over and over again backwards and forwards trying to find the end, eventually just tearing it in the middle out of desperation and leaving a mess for the next person to deal with.
2. Always carry alcohol wipes with you, where ever you go. Alcohol wipes are smelly bacterial killers. If you suddenly smell something disgusting and look around you searching for the person polluting your personal air space, discover that it is, usually Mary Catherine Gallagher style, you, there is a way to salvation. Find a discreet place, take an alcohol wipe and swap your armpits. Voila, you no longer are endangering the asthmatics around you, including yourself. ***Don't ask me how long it lasts. I Never Forget My Deodorant.***
3. Match your children's clothes as long as possible. Tell them it's against the law to pick out their own clothes. Tell them the clothing police will come and take you away if they don't match. Tell them a fairy gets her wings when they match their bottoms to their tops because once they figure it out...,
watch out rainbow children and hobos. My daughters would wear outfits that would cause me to have an epileptic fit or have us all arrested as loitering. Guards would follow us around in Target. You think I'm kidding? They dress much better now but I can have them wear an old outfit. We'll all go to Target and you join us. It's a harrowing experience.
So, Bonnie and Emma, dress your children for as long as you can or better yet, let me dress them. I've had years of experience. Look how cute you guys were.