Lucy the Prolapsing Uterus

Health, Menopause, over 50, Uncategorized Add comments

Dec 052012

What the hell is a prolapsing uterus? Because I have one as my doctor not so delicately put it. I know it means I have to see an gynecologist now.

Personally, and pardon my "french". That particular piece of information sucks. I don't care how old you are, gynecological visits are not fun. I've been married for 27 years. That's 27 years of sex

(Beerhound would say "more like 10 years of sex in 27". I say "who's counting? I gave you children didn't I?")

and I still cringe when I'm forced to put my legs in those horse stirrups. Although I did suggest to my doctor that she put a flat screen TV on the ceiling and play comedies, patients choice of course, while doing the exam. At least we (women) would get a good laugh, thereby helping somewhat in allowing us to relax.

Doctor Mahon: Just relax Susan. You've been through this before. Many times I might add.

Me: No, you try relaxing while riding a horse butt naked, upside down. Oh, and don't forget the saddle horn sticking up your hoohaw.

Doctor Mahon: Exaggerating just a tad Susan. After all you did push out three 8 pd babies through your "hoohaw".

Me: Me?? I'm offended. I never exaggerate...., Okay now you're making me feel uncomfortable.

Of course this conversation doesn't work with Dr. Mahon because Dr. Mahon is a woman in her sixties and has grown children. She's been where I'm at with her own gynecologist. But every year we have the same exchange of words. I don't know why. She's right. I should be used to it by now but alas I'm not. I'd rather be riding Makenna with no bra.

**In case, you've never ridden without a bra, let's just say the bigger you are, the blacker the eye.**

But, I digress.

Here is the explanation of a prolapsing uterus.

Uterine prolapse is falling or sliding of the womb (uterus) from its normal position into the vaginal area.

Causes, incidence, and risk factors

Muscles, ligaments, and other structures hold the uterus in the pelvis. If these muscles and structures are weak, the uterus drops into the vaginal canal . This is called prolapse.

This condition is more common in women who have had one or more vaginal births.

Other things that can cause or lead to uterine prolapse include:

Normal aging
Lack of estrogen after menopause
Anything that puts pressure on the pelvic muscles, including chronic cough and obesity
Pelvic tumor (rare)

Long-term constipation and the pushing associated with it can make this condition worse. A.D.A.M. Medical Encyclopedia

Yep, sounds disgusting doesn't it. Did you know coughing makes it worse? I happen to cough quite a bit. Now I hold my breath until I turn blue because the last thing I need is for my uterus to fall out in Target. That would certainly qualify as my most embarrassing moment and trust me there have been quite a few.

And Normal aging? What the hell does that mean? Turning 13 after 12 or 16 after 15. If so, we're all doomed. Doomed I say.

The good news: They can fix it. They just take it out. Sounds like a good deal to me. I never liked Lucy anyway.

(Hey if men can name their wing-a-dings, I think we should be able to name our uterus. It is after all the font of life.)

I'm in menopause anyway, what's one uterus in the scheme of things. I don't need it. Let someone else have it. Do they do that? Give away uterus's? I do know if Bonnie or Emma are infertile, they're not going to be looking at me for salvation, thank god. I was a horrible pregnant person, horrible. No sense of humor what so ever and my sense of personal space, which now covers around 5 feet in diameter, back then covered almost a room. I simply told people to get lost whenever I entered the room of my choice. I already had one human being touching, kicking and generally bothering me why would I need any more.

**Here's a question off topic. Any more means quantity. Anymore means time. Any way means direction. Anyway means regardless. Regard less means to look with less favor and regardless.., well you get the picture. No wonder Americans are 27th on the list of well educated children in the first world countries. We spend all our time trying to figure out all the rules to our language.**

So..., continuation of previous topic, I'm off to discuss removal of Lucy. Technically, the gynecologist will discuss it. I will just keep repeating, "yes, yes, yes, and yes." I'm not particularly attached to her, emotionally or physically at this time.

I'll let you know how it goes.

Now for your enjoyment, clover. Don't ask me why. I'm 50 and in menopause. Nothing makes much sense except ice cream. Ice cream makes sense.