A Demented Dame, Really?

Hello,

First, please take a glance at our post our promise to you, the reader.

Susan is the Dame. She is hurtling towards 50, on her derriere, in her best jeans, going through menopause, thinking "where the hell is the zip line when you need one?" (She made it - 50 is not so bad) She is obnoxious, sarcastic and snarky but you'd love her if you ever met her, really, no really. Trust me. I know her intimately and she's only smashed my dreams three or four times that I can remember. Looking back, I suppose trying skydiving with Petals, my teacup poodle was probably an ill thought out idea. But if you ever need an ear and a vodka martini, she's there for you, come hell or crying daughters and one obtuse husband of 27 years. You can tell her anything. She keeps things close to her chest. Not for your benefit as you would think but because certain knowledge will always come in handy when she needs a favor, say, bringing her a McDonalds Strawberry Shake when it's too hot for her to get in the car and drive there herself. The upside though is she is one hell of a secret keeper.

She's a city girl now. She was raised as a country girl (town of 10,000, one drive in movie theater that played the same movie for over a week and the first Mcdonalds built when she turned 16) and frankly kept files of bus schedules always available in case her dream of escape became a reality. When the time came for her to leave, she chose San Diego State University, the biggest party school in California and 30,000 students strong (she would of chosen the University of California at Berkeley, yes she was accepted HA!) but her uptight and horribly conservative father nixed that idea faster than a fly on dog poo. She has a degree in Education and a degree in History but somehow, in the convoluted confusion of life is now a High School/Middle School Science Teacher. We think it comes from her need to release her pent up frustrations by blowing things up and starting fires.

She home schooled both her beautiful, sweet, loving but blond daughters. Her oldest is be a junior in college this year. She is artistic, blond, nurturing, blond, funny, blond, idealistic, blond, quixotic and blond. She is actively committed to a musician so Susan will be supporting them for the rest of their lives. She has quietly resigned herself to this though she is confused about how she could have spawned such a impractical and unrealistic child. At least the child has decided to be an artist and not a professional cheerleader. I do believe Susan would have a heart attack given that scenario.

Her youngest daughter is a freshman at Old Dominion University this year. She too is blond but she is pragmatic, overbearing, justice seeking, bossy and could take a classroom of thirty 10 year old children and have them saying, "no ma'am and yes ma'am" by lunchtime. She keeps Susan in line and has actually been seen holding her mother back from smacking someone from cutting in line at Busch Gardens or squirting mayonnaise all over her father's and Susan's husband, favorite feather pillow just because he mentioned that Bill O'Reilly might have a decent point.

Susan loves to knit, quilt and cross stitch.

She loves, loves, fanatically loves to read, and rather than use the library like smart women, she has over 52 shelves of books (although she does volunteer at the local library) she buys all her books. This, I believe, is repayment for her husband wanting children and then putting her through 28 hours, 14 hours and 20 hours of hard labor respectively all the while complaining how tired he was and how much he needed coffee to keep going. It prevents her husband from being able to buy the Porsche he has always wanted. Oh so sad, too bad.

She is politically rabid, a progressive and will sit in her bedroom watching her political talk shows ranting, raving and squirting water at the TV. Her daughters bring their friends over just to watch. It seems to be a source of great amusement for them.

She enjoys teenagers immensely. They never fail to make her laugh.

She's a Unitarian and an agnostic humanist. She teaches at private school for Orthodox Jewish Girls. Can anyone explain that?

She watches Professional Bull Riding every weekend, come hell or high water and it ain't for the bulls.

Her favorite foods are McDonalds Strawberry Shakes, good Vodka, and aged Whiskey. That and a slim fast shake with soy milk and she can move mountains.

She has personal space issues because, quite frankly, she's just weird.

That's Susan, the Dame, love her or leave her, she'll always make life interesting.