It's time to be honest. This is for all you home-schoolers out there crying yourselves to sleep, locking yourselves in the bathroom, afraid to share your deepest feelings, afraid you'll look like a failure, wondering if your children will ever be able to write in cursive let alone make it to college.
I've been doing this for 15 years and I'm obnoxious and painfully honest. Maybe I'll make you feel better, no, I'll certainly make you feel better and you'll be able to home-school one more year knowing that you are not the worst teacher/mother/mentor/creator of responsible adults out there. I'm more than happy to do it. You can always send me money if you're overcome with gratitude.
1. We do not, nor have we ever had family meals. Why? Because, frankly, I've spent all day with the little, evil beings and the last thing I want to do is eat with them.
2. They have probably spent more time in their rooms than at the table with me. This is my way of doing my utmost to preserve their lives.
3. I have yelled at a 7 year old in total frustration because she couldn't read a word after I've gone over the same word at least a dozen times. Something to the effect of "You're killing me here. Why can't you get this? Children in India would love to have this book." At which point, said 7 year old would respond, in tears, "you are just a mean, mean mommy." Was I instantly repentant? what do you think?
4. I have taken both children outside while the school bus has driven by and threatened to put them on it the very next day. Since they had never been to school in their lives but had seen the movie Matilda, you can imagine the terror that shuddered through their bodies.
5. No they do not write cursive, nor can they read it. My only excuse is they don't teach it in the public schools anymore either so we are all off the hook.
6. We take the whole month of December off. Why bother doing school in a month/holiday that was already created for the sole purpose to make women feel like inadequate boobs. I don't need to add to my inadequacy by trying to accomplish any sort of teaching of my daughters other than that December was created so that women would feel like incompetent idiots that constantly fail to meet their families standards of a hallmark holiday.
7. We have always had to school through the summer. We have never, and I repeat never, been able to finish the year by June.
8. I put my blind faith in my 9 year olds ability to complete her work without any oversight. This same child had to be reminded to take a bath. Yes, birth did suck the brain out of my head.
9. I do, heartily believe, that movies, in a pinch, are a good substitute for reading textbooks.
I could go on but I've got chemistry homework to grade, no not my daughters, my students. Oh, the shame. But I hope I gave you a little bit of respite from the standards set by the homeschooling god in the sky or the homeschooler in your co-op who has 9 children, has her own organic garden, sews all her children's clothes, has the dinner on the table by 5 every day, volunteers at the local food bank and whose 8 year old is writing a thesis on Homer.
Oh, yea, we're having cookies for dinner.
