Here I was, all set to write about my insecurities and arrogance. How Dawn's Facebook comments were so damn funny I peed my pants - although at my age if my urinary tract even senses a bathroom near by it starts leaking. I have been in every bathroom in every Target and Barnes and Noble in our area. Walk in the door and BOOM, make a mad dash for the bathroom. It's a good thing the girls are almost grown because I think I'd have to leave them behind in my attempt to preserve yet another pair of underwear. In fact, I should just start carrying an extra pair. And No, don't even go there, under no circumstances I'm I going to be reduced to wearing Depends. I'm not that fucking old. My daughters might think that but personally I think they're a little short of a full load sometimes.
But who cares if Dawn is funnier than me? Really? I live in Norfolk, Va. I'm sure you've heard of us by this time, Thursday night, August 25, 2011. Just turn to the weather channel. You'll see our cute little city right on the screen. We're the ones directly in the path of Hurricane Irene. We're also the ones who were 2 hours from the earthquake that hit on Tuesday. All this after I spent the prior Friday cleaning like a mad dog because I had 15 teenagers and 5 adults coming over to my house for a lock-in. I'm happy to say that I survived the sleep over. The teens went white water rafting the next day and had
some fun. Evidently the river was really low so it was like a stop and bump ride. They got to see an amazing amount of big rocks in the James River. Beerhound even drove so that I could stay at home and rest on Sunday. Wasn't that sweet?
After all that, Mother Nature decided life was too damn boring this side of the Mississippi. It seems record breaking highs and humidity doesn't make life exciting. It makes life excruciatingly slow and boring. No one moves. No one goes outdoors. The beach even sucks. Try going through menopause at the same time. I've got at least 3 fans all pointed straight at my face. Rue gets so cold he curls up into a little ball and burrows into Beerhounds back. A man and his dog. I say, you're welcome to him. Both of them put off heat like the oven baking cookies. The sad thing is all I get from sleeping with the two of them is snoring and farting. I want chocolate chip cookies damn it.
Extreme heat, extreme humidity, extreme hot flashes, and Duncan the antichrist of all cats, who won't go outside because it's even too hot for him and who I might add is now trying to rub up against me all the time - I think he's hedging his bets and trying to get into cat heaven. I've tried to tell him I'll pay his penance if he'll just do me the big favor and go now! He's not taking me up on my offer. He's just going to try and drive me insane with kindness. I don't trust him. He's evil. He's planning some kind of cat take over. If my heart goes out (news on that front) and no one is home, he'll be the first to take a big chomp, staring at me with those yellow eyes. I bet he's even mastered cackling.
None of the things mentioned above have satisfied Mother Nature so she kindly sent an earthquake our way. I should of realized what was going on. I spent 31 years in Southern California. But no, I just sat on my couch and wondered why the cats were fighting behind me although I couldn't hear them, and yes, at the moment, I have 6 cats so it's entirely possible for all of them to be together under the couch and make it move. Stupid thought I know but hey, I teach Earth Science, we just don't have earthquakes in Virginia. We aren't even on a fault. Once I realized it was something else, I mean the floor was undulating, the dining room chandelier was swinging and my cats are all huge but fairly lazy, it occurred to me it might be an earthquake. Did I tell Emma to drop and find cover? NO. I said, "let's get outside". ****See me banging my head here**** Of course, all my neighbors were outside too but then they weren't native Californians. We didn't have any damage except to my ego, which given my experience, I deserve.
I guess I wasn't quite humble enough because now we have Hurricane Irene headed our way. Am I self focused and narcissistic enough to believe that this is all my fault? Of course I am. Every place Beerhound and I have moved (because of the Navy, maybe it's their fault) major natural disasters have taken place. So here we are, once more, packing up pictures, moving antiques to higher ground, buying tarps, loading up on food and anticipating power outages. The last time we had a category two hurricane come through, Hurricane Isabelle, we were without power for four days. That's four days of pure torture.
Forgot the food issue.
Forget the possible damage to the house or cars.
Forget the possible flooding. (We're actually in a 500 year flood plain, so we're good)
Forget the destruction of our beautiful trees.
No electricity means no air conditioning!!!
No air conditioning and a menopausal woman equals death and destruction.
I'm giving fair warning to everyone who knows me. You think Hurricane Irene is scarier? Be aware, Hurricane Susan, may show up and even I can't stop her. In fact, if possible, I'd run from her along with my family.
Carol and I are signing off for now. We'll take pictures and let you know what happens. We're not worried, just pissed. You'd think Mother Nature would have enough consideration to wait for the weather to cool down. After all, as Unitarians, we do give her lots of credit and we recycle. That should count for something.