A Demented Dame

Statistically, in America, atheists are the least trusted individuals in our society.  Radical Muslims are trusted more than atheists.  Radical Buddhists, well, technically buddhists can't be radical, but that being said, they are trusted more than atheists.  Radical Christians, who incidentally are really no different than radical Muslims in their beliefs, read their manuals, both written thousands of years ago, side by side, you will be amazed, are at the top of the list of those to be trusted.

Though I feel obligated to point out that in the good ole state of Virginie, they are trying to outlaw the birth control pill because of the book written thousands of years ago. The same book that clearly states that if we were all to eat shrimp we would be stoned. See, radical.

*I DO eat shrimp but do NOT eat pork, which the book written thousands of years ago forbids. Not because it's forbidden, but because, frankly, pigs are smarter than my Uncle Zebulon Carlton Carawan, better known as Uncle Bud and here in the south we just don't eat anything smarter than our elders.

Yep, good old birth control is now in their trustworthy gun sights.  It's not bad enough that we, in Virginia, celebrate Martin Luther King Day along with Robert E. Lee Day.  I have nothing against Robert E. Lee.  He was a great battle strategist, I'm a civil war fanatic and his home is too precious for words.  The housing for his slaves, oops, his wife's slaves, was..., sturdy.  I'm sure any one of us would appreciate the amenities that were provided by the Lee family.

 I simply don't understand why the people of Virginia don't comprehend the irony of celebrating these two great men and their achievements at the same time but then again we celebrate Confederacy Month.  You know, the time of life when women were treated with respect and reverence.  Our men did such a good job of protecting us, "Y'all don't worry your little ole selves with votin', we don't want to have to see you glisten."  "Nursin', now why would y'all want to scare yourselves with the sight of blood, let alone a man's body.  Y'all might just swoon and then who would tell them servants yonder, that I need more biscuits?" "Darlin', you don't need to bother yourself with understandin' sex. Just lift those little ole hoop skirts and think of our great state of Mississippi.  It'll be over before you can spell Mississippi."  "And sweet-kins, we can never have enough of those purty lil doilies y'all make."  "Ya just smile darlin', look purty, and let me plant the cucumbers cotton where I feel led to."

Oh womanhood, the graciousness of the south.

But, once again, I have deviated from the topic at hand.

I'm an atheist.  My "conversion" is in and of itself a long story but right now I'm concerned with why people seem to think they can't trust me.  It's slightly confounding.  I could be forthright and tell you the logical reasons why you can and should trust me. I pay my taxes without fail. I always wear a seat belt. I don't believe in texting, eating or talking on the phone while you drive.  I volunteer at the local library.  My pets are all rescue animals. I say thank you and please.  I give up my seat for the elderly.  I keep my lawn mowed.  Emma and I save caterpillars and put them in a safe place to feed and then cocoon. But being forthright isn't as fun.

10 Reasons why you can trust me.

1. I will always tell you if you're about to step in dog vomit, especially in my house.  I never throw a towel over it and pretend that it never happened so that you would then come along and step on something, say, squishy.

2. I will never ask your opinion about anything that has to do with me, such as, "Do you like my decorating?", "Do you like what I'm wearing?", "Do you like my cooking?", "Aren't my children smart?"  I would never put you in such an awkward position and frankly, I'm 357 days away from 50 so hell, what do I care what you think?

3. I am a mother. My children are 16 and 19.  They are still alive with relatively few physical scars.  Granted I don't bake cookies for them but on the other hand, I'm saving their arteries.

4. I bottle fed my youngest baby, Beanie, (cat), who we rescued when he was a week old until he was 5 months old.  How many people do you know that are so generous with their affection?

5. I buy my godchildren the loudest and most annoying toys that I can, because I can and they love me for it.

6.  I will never tell you that you're child is a genius, a prodigy, amazingly talented, a wonder child, stupefyingly beautiful, or mind-boggling brilliant.  Just for your information, my children are none of those things.  Most children are none of those things.  99% of children living today are none of those things.

- Factoid, around 20 million kids play little league at one time or another every year.  I've taken opinion polls - I know they're informal and not statistically scientific although I am a science teacher but let's go with it for a moment - 80% of all parents questioned believe their child was talented at baseball and might actually have a future playing collegiality and/or professionally and yet, in the United States, there are only 1,200 professional baseball players in the Major Leagues and only, roughly, 5,400 professional baseball players in the minor leagues.  That equals 6,800 total baseball players getting paid to play baseball in the United States.  Let's break this down further. Divide 6,800 by 20mil, take the answer and multiply that by 100 and you have 0.034 percent.  What does that mean, oh amazingly talented, mind-boggling brilliant science teacher?  It means, hell I don't know.  Percentages freak me out.  I do know that your kid, my kid, any kid has a better chance of being puked on by his best friend on a roller coaster or seeing an UFO in a field while chewing Chiclets then getting paid to play baseball.

See, I'm honest and trustworthy.  I don't want to raise your hopes just to see them dashed and watch you sink into a deep depression because your child will never become whatever you told everyone they would be.  I've got your back.

7. My daughters still ask to sleep in my bed when they are scared.  They know I've got their back also.  Unlike my own mother who came into my room, when I was home from college, waving her rifle, whispering loudly that she heard someone outside her window and I needed to go check it out.  She then proceeded to accidentally shoot a hole in my bedroom wall because of her heightened stupidity.  Let's leave it at that. She's dead now.

8. I don't speak ill of the dead.  They are dead.  I do however speak truth of the dead.  On my honor I have never had a nice word to say about Elphaba, my dad's wife, need I say the scourge of all womankind?  Too much?

9. I really can't remember more than one day at time.  Lying would be impossible since I'm not able to keep my stories straight and therefore I don't bother to try.  That, young women, is called menopause.  It's a wonderful, freeing experience and immediately qualifies you as trustworthy if not slightly bitchy.

10.  This is important.  I'm a woman.  You don't see women getting booted out of Congress for having an affair with prostitutes do you?  No, that was a man.  A conservative man whose values are based on the book written thousands of years ago.

Conservatives + affairs, prostitutes, embezzling, pay-offs, lying about wars, multiple marriages, old racists with black children, hiking the Appalachian trail, appropriating million dollar helicopters for little league games, no knowledge of American History = trustworthy, legislating our country till they die, Jesus, mom, baseball and apple pie.

Progressives + secular legislating, providing for the poor, taking pictures of your underwear or bare chest, paying school teachers a decent salary, protecting the rights of the individual over the laws of the book written thousands of years ago, yet not mentioned once in the Constitution = dishonest, no good, indecent, amoral, you can never run for office, throw the bums out, french fries.

Still, I am a woman and we aren't known for getting kicked out of office because we f***ed around.

See, if you can't trust me, who can you trust?